I am so thankful for each of you.  Because of you I have taken a giant leap and opened my own blogging site.  Please join me at www.stilettosandasinglemom.com.  

Unfamiliar Territory

Dating

I certainly never thought that word would be part of my vocabulary again.  Actually, I am quite certain wrangling alligators would be easier, and less nerve-wracking, than going on a date with someone after you’ve been married for 7 years.  You become so comfortable with your spouse it’s hard to remember what it’s like to worry about being uncomfortable and unsure again.  For any of you that have had to start over you can relate to the jumbled questions/thoughts that ran through my mind before my first date: “My goodness what do I wear?”  “Should my hair be curly or straight?”  “Hmmm, does this shirt make me look pale?” “I’m going to throw up.”  “What shoes should I wear?” “Oh no, what if I get nervous and do that funky laugh with a snort at the end?” “Oh geez this is not going to end well.”

Luckily for me, and my dinner date, I arrived early with my hair only partially frizzy and no spit-up on my shirt.  The date was pleasant.  He was polite, sweet, and funny.  Thankfully I only snorted once, but it was definitely uncomfortable and completely foreign territory.  I awkwardly tried to keep the conversation going avoiding lulls at all costs, I constantly worried about how to eat, and if I had something in my teeth.  By the end of the date I simply felt like an old, out-of-practice, mother of two who was just ready to get home to her babies.  How am I ever going to find a good guy when I can’t even sit through one date without chewing my nails to the quick?  How in the world am I going to make it in this dating world when I would rather be home on the couch with my babies?  What kind of mother am I for spending a Friday night away from them, anyway?

When I was finally home and snuggled in bed with my baby girls I reflected back on the nail-biting experience.   As the sweet scent of my babies filled my nostrils I realized something.  Despite all the heartbreak I have endured, the broken promises, the lies, and feeling totally defeated…  I realized I still believe in love.  I realized life is so short and I certainly don’t want to spend it alone.  

I realized I still believe.  

I believe in...

Unconditional, complete, and all-consuming love.

One day my children will grow up and they will have their own lives and families.  Hopefully they will both be blessed with a love that is strong, pure, true, and Christ-centered.   I hope by that point I am spending my life with someone who completes me, who loves me unconditionally, and who simply smiles and shakes his head when my funky laugh followed by a little snort comes out.  I realize I may have to experience a few more awkward dates and endure some small heart aches along the way before I find him.   Yet all of these will help me become the woman I need to be for him.  They will help me define myself, my expectations, and my future.  For now I will try to enjoy this new journey in life…

Because I know someone out there has been waiting his whole life just for me.

A Glimpse of Garden's Past

I was driving to work one morning last week blaring K-Love radio and singing to the top of my lungs.  I had miraculously left on time and therefore wasn't utilizing my normal lead foot.   I was enjoying my peaceful 30 minute drive when something caught my eye…

An elderly man working in his garden.

I let out a gasp as soon as I saw him because he reminded me of someone dear to my heart.  I slowed down so I could take in every bit of the moment.  He was awkwardly bent over pulling weeds, and I could tell he was struggling to do so although he would probably never admit it to anyone.  He wore an old work uniform and hat.  His skin was tanned and wrinkled from the years of hard work and labor for his family.  His eyes were full of determination and pride.  He never stopped working.

This man is a son, husband, grandfather, and friend.

As my car slowly passed by him my heart and soul filled with longing.  As I looked in the rear view mirror I no longer saw the elderly man, but instead I saw my own papaw.  I longed to stop the car and run to him.  I longed for the feel of his callused hands as they wrapped me in a hug.  I longed to hear his voice just one last time and glimpse the twinkle in his eye when he smiled.  I longed for the days when I would work in the garden with him, knowing now I probably did more damage than good, but he always let me help.  

He was one of a kind.  He was special. He was mine.

Isn't it crazy how one moment can take you back?  How you can literally see, smell, and feel the one thing you so desperately long to experience just one more time?  When a loved one passes you cling to the memories that person left behind.  Yet as the years go by you often forget the little things that defined them.  The moments that you never wanted to forget are so distant they are sometimes hard to recall...

I am thankful I saw that man.  I am thankful God placed him in the garden at just the right time.  I am thankful for the generation of hard-working men, like my papaw, who pave the way for their families and who never quit working until they take their last breath.  Most importantly, I am thankful for another man who once prayed so fervently in the garden of Gethsemane before He gave His life for me.  If it wasn't for His sacrifice for all mankind I would never again get to see my sweet papaw face to face.

If you are struggling with a loss today;  if you long to see and feel someone just one more time; if you are grasping to hold onto every last memory and thought of your loved one.  My hope and prayer for you is that you can find solace today in Jesus.  He made the ultimate sacrifice in order for us to be saved and live eternally with Him.  One day I will walk through those pearly gates and my papaw will scoop me up.  He will be callus free and his skin will not show the signs of hard work and labor, but he will still be my sweet papaw.  That’s reason enough for me to rejoice every, single day!

Who is waiting for you? 

Don’t miss the opportunity to walk through those gates, my friends.

The Destination is Worth It

 

I once knew a girl.

She was beautiful, strong, caring, witty, and she had a bright future ahead of her.  She was about to graduate college when she fell in love… head-over-heels in love.  The kind of love that stops your breathing, blurs your thoughts, and consumes your life.  She gave her heart and soul away and soon found out she was pregnant.  Her life was completely rattled when the one man she had given everything to suddenly decided he didn’t want what she had to offer anymore…

She was alone, broken, and she felt worthless.

I remember the many times I would assure her that God had a plan for her life.  God had a plan for her unborn child; a plan bigger than we could ever imagine!   She would cry, get angry, and question what she did wrong.  Why he couldn’t value her worth and the life of his child?  Why it was so easy for him to walk away?  Why he could simply remove himself from the situation and continue his life without her?  Yet what she didn’t realize at the time was that it had absolutely nothing to do with her.  She wasn’t the problem at all.  The problem was within him.  He wasn’t capable of loving her and her child, but God had someone out there who was.

I can still remember watching her face the pregnancy alone.  I remember all of the phone calls filled with tears, her bursts of anger, and the many times I would hear her cry as she fell asleep each night. Yet I can also hear my reassuring words.  “My sweet friend, God has someone for you.  Someone who will one day take away all this pain in your heart; someone who will be the father your son deserves; someone who will fill you with a love like you’ve never dreamed.  He will love you unconditionally no matter what and will make all of this pain seem worth it… because the road leads to him.”  I lost track of the times I would say these words.  I had no idea how long she would have to be alone.  I had no idea what she was feeling, or how she faced each day, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the road she was on was leading her to bigger and better things.  I knew the journey would be worth it because the destination was going to overshadow all the pain. 

The destination was going to make her whole again. 

The destination was going to breathe new life into her. 

She reached that destination much quicker than she ever dreamed.  God created the perfect end to that broken road she had traveled.  It came in the form of a man who had dealt with his fair share of pain in life, and was searching for someone who would love him the way he deserved.  It was a wonderful thing to witness.   She had reached her destination with many bruises on her heart, but once she arrived she realized it was all worth it.  Slowly her bruises began to fade...

 

She was happy, loved, and complete.

I now find myself muttering the same words I once said to her, yet they vibrate within my own ears.  One day someone will take away the pain; someone will love me no matter what life throws our way; someone will value my life and the lives of my children; someone will make all the pain seem worth it; someone will make all of my bruises fade away.  If you are traveling a broken road today then let this story sink in.  Let it reach deep into your soul.  Let it fill your heart with hope, strength, and determination.  I am traveling a broken road with you, but I want you to know the destination is far greater than we can imagine because my best friend is living proof.  

 

Removing the Scarlet Letter

Divorce.

The word itself makes many of us cringe.  It isn’t glamorous, easy, or a decision that should be taken lightly.  It cuts to the very hearts of fathers, mothers, and children.  Unfortunately to some it is an easy way out, a way to avoid working out their problems, or simply a search for something better.  While other couples work hard for years to stay together yet end up eventually going their separate ways.  Then in other devastating situations divorce is the only option of survival.  Their marriage is filled with physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.  Whatever the situation may be, divorce is a word that has become far too familiar in our society.

I am a product of divorce in more ways than one.

My parents divorced when I was 5.  I don’t remember much about life before that time, but I do remember I was happy.  I never once felt the tension or stress that my parents must have felt before they separated.  I was just an oblivious little girl enjoying life.  After the separation, my mom took all the steps needed to make sure I transitioned easily from one home to the next.  There were times it was very hard, and definitely not ideal, but I learned to cope with my new life. 

As I got older I became determined to never face divorce again.  I didn’t want my children to ever see in me what I saw in my parents.  The hurt my mother carried daily or the pained look my father would give me when the weekend was over.  I didn’t want my children to carry that burden. I didn’t want to carry that burden.  Unfortunately, we're often burdened with things out of our control…

I am now divorced.

The word that made me cringe for years, the word I swore I would never have to face again, and the single word that could shatter me.  After 7 years of marriage the unexpected blow was devastating.  For months I carried the shame like a scarlet letter “D” even though it wasn’t mine to carry.  I was afraid to hold my head up in fear of what others’ thought of me.  I wanted to hide away because I was ashamed of how my life turned out.  I woke up each day drowning in the pain and shame… 

One day I finally realized that I had a choice:  I could continue to drown or I could start swimming.

 

I chose to swim.

 

I will no longer be burdened and ashamed over the choice of someone else, I will no longer hide away or worry about the pitiful, judgmental glances I receive.  I chose to remove the scarlet letter that had weighed me down for too long.  If you are carrying a scarlet letter today, no matter what that letter may represent, I urge you to remove it!  Remove every last stitch that has been embroidered on your chest!

 Release it!

 

You deserve to be set free but you are the only one who can do it.

 

Overcoming Life's Curveballs

Defeated… we have all been there.  Each day it seems you open your eyes to another catastrophe.  You pray for a break, a moment to breathe, or someone to make it all go away.  As each curveball is thrown your way you are certain you can’t take another one, and before you know it another flies straight for you.

I was so tired of those curveballs.  I couldn’t handle another gut-wrenching blow.  They were too familiar, too hard, and they had brought me to my knees.  First, I found out the person who promised to love me forever, who took vows before God and an oath until death do us part, had decided to break that promise .  Then, I was in a hospital bed fighting to keep my child inside of me just a little bit longer.  Before I knew it I was rushed to an operating table having my baby girl much too soon, and then I was sitting alone in the NICU wondering if she was going to make it through the day.  Before I knew it I was slammed with divorce papers, packing my entire life in boxes to travel halfway across the United States after a major surgery, and depleting every ounce of savings I had to do so.  Once we finally arrived back home we brought a stomach virus with us and someone from the moving company stole all of my jewelry.  I couldn’t take any more pain.  I was now a single mom with no job, no home to call my own, no income, and I was the most defeated I had felt in my entire life.

 

Looking back I realize that each of these moments when I was on my knees are the moments I grew the most.  I learned so much about myself, my capabilities, my faith, and my expectations of others.  Today, I am happy to say that even though my knees are dirty and my glove is worn… I am more blessed than I’ve ever been!  I am employed, my daughter is healthy and thriving, and I am building a new life for my little family.

 

If you are feeling defeated today...

If all of the curveballs have brought you to your knees...

If you feel like you can’t go on…

 

I want you to know that you can!  I believe in you!  I know you can make it through this, and most importantly, God knows you can too.  He knows how capable you are and He has wonderful things in store for your life.  So when that next curveball is headed straight for you I want you to put your glove back on, stand up, and catch it.  Don’t let it take you down!  The curveballs are only detours in this game of life.  Keep your glove ready, trust in God, and know that you will be up to bat again and the future awaits you!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

Stop & Smell the Cookies

Sometimes I feel like my life is a constant rush.  From the moment my feet hit the floor until the moment I lay my head down at night.  Rush, Rush, Rush.  My mornings are usually filled with spit-up, poo-filled diapers, tantrums, and tears all while I am trying to make it out of the house on time without looking like I’ve just survived World War III.  Today was just like any other morning, actually it was probably even more dramatic than some, but I got a big wake-up call… 

My toddler was “making cookies” in her kitchen while I rushed around her like a mad woman.  I was running through the house for the 7^th time frantically trying to gather everything I would need to get out the door.  Suddenly, a sweet little voice calls out “Here, mommy, I made you a cookie”.  My immediate thought was “Oh sweetie, mommy doesn’t have time to eat a cookie right now” but when I turned around to say that to her my thought process changed. 

She stood there full of pride...

 

   

 

Her little chubby hands were holding a small, pink plate that had a single, sprinkle-covered cookie she had ‘baked’ just for me.  She was smiling from ear to ear as she held the plate out to me.  The words that came from my mouth next surprised even me “Oh sweetie that sure looks yummy. Thank you so much” as I plopped right down in the floor to enjoy my cookie. She giggled and smiled as I pretended to gobble it down.  I hugged her and kissed her chubby little cheek as I stood up and finished getting ready.

 

I could have lost that moment.  It wasn’t even 2 minutes out of my day and I almost rushed right past it. I almost crushed my sweet girl’s spirit by ignoring her hard work.  How many other moments have I already lost?  How many times have I turned her smile into a frown without realizing it? 

Life is tough.  The days become overwhelming and there’s a never-ending list of things that need to be done that you never find the time to do.  The list continues to grow and the hustle and bustle of life takes hold.  On those days when you are hanging by a thread, when you’ve rushed around cleaning dust, washing dishes, and folding clothes.  When the only warm bath you’ve had is the spit-up that is now dried on your shirt.  When you feel like you are being pulled in so many directions and you just want to sit down and cry… Don’t.  Instead, stop and taste the cookies.  Savor them.  Don’t let the small, tender moments pass you by.  The dishes will get done, the laundry will be fine, and it’s okay if you are a little late sometimes. 

 

Life is too short.

Don't rush through it. 

Enjoy the cookies.

The Hardest Thing to Give Away

Forgiveness. We are all familiar with the word, but how do we bring ourselves to do it. How do you possibly forgive the friend who broke your trust, the significant other who left you for someone else, the spouse who walked out on your marriage, or the parent who missed half of your life? How in the world can you look that person in the eye and finally say “I forgive you”.

We are only human. When we have been mistreated, wronged, and broken the last thing in our hearts and minds is forgiveness. Instead we carry this pain, resentment, and anger. Our hearts begin to harden without realizing it. Day in and day out we let the pain fester like an open wound that will never heal… until one day we have lost ourselves. We have lost what we once stood for and when we look in the mirror we don’t recognize the person looking back at us.

Have you been there? Have you looked into that mirror? I have… and I almost lost myself. I was consumed with anger, sadness, and bitterness. My life had been turned upside down. My future was uncertain. I had two small children to take care of with no idea how I was going to do it alone. My thoughts were so jumbled and full of rage. I had no focus anymore because I wasn’t even sure what to focus on. My days that were once filled with happiness and laughter, were now filled with anger and tears. I was simply going through the motions of life. One day, after a particularly rough morning, a pair of little blue eyes looked up to me and said “I got you mommy… I got you”. These are the words I always whispered to her when she was sad, scared, or hurt. In that moment my sweet, innocent little girl could sense the despair inside of me. I clung to her and smiled through my tears. I realized that in order to be the best mother, daughter, teacher, and friend that I could be… I finally had to let it go.

Forgiveness isn’t easy, and it won’t make the scars on your heart go away, but it cleanses your soul. You will never forget what happened, but you deserve to stop carrying the heavy load. You deserve to take a deep, refreshing breath. You deserve to smile, laugh, and be happy again. Don’t let someone else steal that from you. You don’t forgive for the person who hurt you… you forgive for yourself. You will forever carry the scars and memories of the battle, but your heart and soul will be released from the war.

Give yourself that gift today, and more importantly, never forget that Jesus is always with you. He is always saying “I’ve got you, my child, I’ve got you”.

“It’s the hardest thing to give away And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just too real

It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness... Forgiveness”

Forgiveness by Matthew West

Smile... it is Good for the Soul

I woke up with a smile on my face today. I quickly realized that it was this time last year I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and was certain I would never smile again. Yet here I am… smiling. It’s amazing what a year can do, but more importantly, it is amazing what God can do!

I am a single mother. Yes, I said it, the dreaded words that in today’s society are practically sinful to some. No, I didn’t choose this. No, it definitely wasn’t part of my plan or the life I had envisioned for myself and my children, but this is the label that now defines me.

Divorce is devastating. It shakes you to the core of your being. It makes you question everything you once thought was good, pure, and true. There are times you look in the mirror and burst into tears because the person looking back at you is simply the shell of who you used to be. You look into the faces of your precious children and you ache to the very core for them. You often question where you went wrong, why you weren’t good enough, what you could have done differently, and how in the world you ended up in this place asking these questions. It’s like a terrible, never-ending rollercoaster of emotions until the day you finally begin to release the pain... I can still remember that day.

I was sitting in a parking lot in San Antonio, Texas. I was miles away from my family and friends. My sweet toddler was napping in the backseat and my stomach was perfectly, and uncomfortably, round holding my unborn child. I was alone, exhausted, defeated, desperately needing a hug, and all I could do was sob. Through my tears I heard this song by 7eventh Time Down on the radio:
“When you don't know what to say
Just say Jesus
There is power in the name
The name of Jesus
If the words won't come
Cause you're too afraid to pray
Just say Jesus”
I was at the end of my rope. I had run out of prayers. I honestly didn’t even know what to pray anymore so I did what the song said and I whispered “Jesus”. It felt so wonderful that I kept saying it “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” and in that moment, a moment that I was more alone than I had ever been in my entire life, He filled me up. He gave me a strength that I never knew I had. I dried my eyes and pulled out of that parking lot a different woman. No, I wasn’t healed. No, I wasn’t miraculously happy. Yes, I was still a mess, but I left that parking space knowing He would turn my mess into a message…

No matter what devastating circumstance life may have thrown at you. Whether it be death, divorce, sickness, job loss, or you are simply having an absolutely horrible day. Remember, Jesus hears your cries. He hears your pleas. He may not always have the answers you want to hear… but He hears. Let Him help you. Trust Him. He has a far greater plan for your life than you will ever know.

Today I look in the mirror and I’m no longer a shell of myself. I see strength, beauty, and a determination that I never possessed before. I look at the faces of my children and my heart is happy. I now realize I cannot change someone. I cannot change myself to meet the expectations of others. I cannot beat myself up because of the choices of others, and most of all I cannot make someone love me. I cannot make someone appreciate me… and I shouldn’t have to.

Today I woke up smiling and I know you can too.