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Unfamiliar Territory

Dating

I certainly never thought that word would be part of my vocabulary again.  Actually, I am quite certain wrangling alligators would be easier, and less nerve-wracking, than going on a date with someone after you’ve been married for 7 years.  You become so comfortable with your spouse it’s hard to remember what it’s like to worry about being uncomfortable and unsure again.  For any of you that have had to start over you can relate to the jumbled questions/thoughts that ran through my mind before my first date: “My goodness what do I wear?”  “Should my hair be curly or straight?”  “Hmmm, does this shirt make me look pale?” “I’m going to throw up.”  “What shoes should I wear?” “Oh no, what if I get nervous and do that funky laugh with a snort at the end?” “Oh geez this is not going to end well.”

Luckily for me, and my dinner date, I arrived early with my hair only partially frizzy and no spit-up on my shirt.  The date was pleasant.  He was polite, sweet, and funny.  Thankfully I only snorted once, but it was definitely uncomfortable and completely foreign territory.  I awkwardly tried to keep the conversation going avoiding lulls at all costs, I constantly worried about how to eat, and if I had something in my teeth.  By the end of the date I simply felt like an old, out-of-practice, mother of two who was just ready to get home to her babies.  How am I ever going to find a good guy when I can’t even sit through one date without chewing my nails to the quick?  How in the world am I going to make it in this dating world when I would rather be home on the couch with my babies?  What kind of mother am I for spending a Friday night away from them, anyway?

When I was finally home and snuggled in bed with my baby girls I reflected back on the nail-biting experience.   As the sweet scent of my babies filled my nostrils I realized something.  Despite all the heartbreak I have endured, the broken promises, the lies, and feeling totally defeated…  I realized I still believe in love.  I realized life is so short and I certainly don’t want to spend it alone.  

I realized I still believe.  

I believe in...

Unconditional, complete, and all-consuming love.

One day my children will grow up and they will have their own lives and families.  Hopefully they will both be blessed with a love that is strong, pure, true, and Christ-centered.   I hope by that point I am spending my life with someone who completes me, who loves me unconditionally, and who simply smiles and shakes his head when my funky laugh followed by a little snort comes out.  I realize I may have to experience a few more awkward dates and endure some small heart aches along the way before I find him.   Yet all of these will help me become the woman I need to be for him.  They will help me define myself, my expectations, and my future.  For now I will try to enjoy this new journey in life…

Because I know someone out there has been waiting his whole life just for me.

A Glimpse of Garden's Past

I was driving to work one morning last week blaring K-Love radio and singing to the top of my lungs.  I had miraculously left on time and therefore wasn't utilizing my normal lead foot.   I was enjoying my peaceful 30 minute drive when something caught my eye…

An elderly man working in his garden.

I let out a gasp as soon as I saw him because he reminded me of someone dear to my heart.  I slowed down so I could take in every bit of the moment.  He was awkwardly bent over pulling weeds, and I could tell he was struggling to do so although he would probably never admit it to anyone.  He wore an old work uniform and hat.  His skin was tanned and wrinkled from the years of hard work and labor for his family.  His eyes were full of determination and pride.  He never stopped working.

This man is a son, husband, grandfather, and friend.

As my car slowly passed by him my heart and soul filled with longing.  As I looked in the rear view mirror I no longer saw the elderly man, but instead I saw my own papaw.  I longed to stop the car and run to him.  I longed for the feel of his callused hands as they wrapped me in a hug.  I longed to hear his voice just one last time and glimpse the twinkle in his eye when he smiled.  I longed for the days when I would work in the garden with him, knowing now I probably did more damage than good, but he always let me help.  

He was one of a kind.  He was special. He was mine.

Isn't it crazy how one moment can take you back?  How you can literally see, smell, and feel the one thing you so desperately long to experience just one more time?  When a loved one passes you cling to the memories that person left behind.  Yet as the years go by you often forget the little things that defined them.  The moments that you never wanted to forget are so distant they are sometimes hard to recall...

I am thankful I saw that man.  I am thankful God placed him in the garden at just the right time.  I am thankful for the generation of hard-working men, like my papaw, who pave the way for their families and who never quit working until they take their last breath.  Most importantly, I am thankful for another man who once prayed so fervently in the garden of Gethsemane before He gave His life for me.  If it wasn't for His sacrifice for all mankind I would never again get to see my sweet papaw face to face.

If you are struggling with a loss today;  if you long to see and feel someone just one more time; if you are grasping to hold onto every last memory and thought of your loved one.  My hope and prayer for you is that you can find solace today in Jesus.  He made the ultimate sacrifice in order for us to be saved and live eternally with Him.  One day I will walk through those pearly gates and my papaw will scoop me up.  He will be callus free and his skin will not show the signs of hard work and labor, but he will still be my sweet papaw.  That’s reason enough for me to rejoice every, single day!

Who is waiting for you? 

Don’t miss the opportunity to walk through those gates, my friends.

The Destination is Worth It

 

I once knew a girl.

She was beautiful, strong, caring, witty, and she had a bright future ahead of her.  She was about to graduate college when she fell in love… head-over-heels in love.  The kind of love that stops your breathing, blurs your thoughts, and consumes your life.  She gave her heart and soul away and soon found out she was pregnant.  Her life was completely rattled when the one man she had given everything to suddenly decided he didn’t want what she had to offer anymore…

She was alone, broken, and she felt worthless.

I remember the many times I would assure her that God had a plan for her life.  God had a plan for her unborn child; a plan bigger than we could ever imagine!   She would cry, get angry, and question what she did wrong.  Why he couldn’t value her worth and the life of his child?  Why it was so easy for him to walk away?  Why he could simply remove himself from the situation and continue his life without her?  Yet what she didn’t realize at the time was that it had absolutely nothing to do with her.  She wasn’t the problem at all.  The problem was within him.  He wasn’t capable of loving her and her child, but God had someone out there who was.

I can still remember watching her face the pregnancy alone.  I remember all of the phone calls filled with tears, her bursts of anger, and the many times I would hear her cry as she fell asleep each night. Yet I can also hear my reassuring words.  “My sweet friend, God has someone for you.  Someone who will one day take away all this pain in your heart; someone who will be the father your son deserves; someone who will fill you with a love like you’ve never dreamed.  He will love you unconditionally no matter what and will make all of this pain seem worth it… because the road leads to him.”  I lost track of the times I would say these words.  I had no idea how long she would have to be alone.  I had no idea what she was feeling, or how she faced each day, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the road she was on was leading her to bigger and better things.  I knew the journey would be worth it because the destination was going to overshadow all the pain. 

The destination was going to make her whole again. 

The destination was going to breathe new life into her. 

She reached that destination much quicker than she ever dreamed.  God created the perfect end to that broken road she had traveled.  It came in the form of a man who had dealt with his fair share of pain in life, and was searching for someone who would love him the way he deserved.  It was a wonderful thing to witness.   She had reached her destination with many bruises on her heart, but once she arrived she realized it was all worth it.  Slowly her bruises began to fade...

 

She was happy, loved, and complete.

I now find myself muttering the same words I once said to her, yet they vibrate within my own ears.  One day someone will take away the pain; someone will love me no matter what life throws our way; someone will value my life and the lives of my children; someone will make all the pain seem worth it; someone will make all of my bruises fade away.  If you are traveling a broken road today then let this story sink in.  Let it reach deep into your soul.  Let it fill your heart with hope, strength, and determination.  I am traveling a broken road with you, but I want you to know the destination is far greater than we can imagine because my best friend is living proof.